Struggle and Almost Through

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Note to all who are having a hard time. It really is true when they say that you’re never alone. No matter how bad a predicament you are in.

For a long while, I’ve been seriously mulling over the meaning of life. (Ooooh… yep, brace yourself, we are getting deep.) Over the past few years, it’d been especially tough and mentally draining. You know how it is to deal with the dreadful loop of constant doubts, uncertainties and conundrums, which is also a part of life. TBH, there was nothing beautiful about the process. I struggled hard and hit another level of rock bottom. (Just as I thought it couldn’t get any lower!) I was numb. If you ask me about what I did in those years, I most likely will not remember much. Things were a bit of a blur. I was functioning but not in the healthiest of way. Most people couldn’t tell and I reckon some of them still can’t. There were definitely signs of high-functioning depression. But I probably shouldn’t self-diagnose. Between my reality and unrealistic expectations, life became messy. My life was kept in suspense with me as its only audience, half wishing that the tension would fade half addicted to the thrill. Sense of impatience loomed large. Desperation took over. Nothing felt right anymore.

I took a month off and escaped to the place I hoped would offer me its familiar hospitality and some quiet time to rethink my life. I had high hopes that in this search I would inch closer to the truth. It only confused me more. I came home feeling disoriented and unfocused.

Amidst the chaos, gradually things started to take shape. Blazing fire subsided. Smoke cleared. All that I’ve been through came down to a singular event – the need for growth. My mind craved change but I didn’t want to allow it. I was too crippled by fears and doubts. You get the gist. The control freak in me took charge (and still does, but a little less dominant). In spite of knowing what was causing all this confusion, I still have so much to learn. In order to live and cope, I must be consciously awake. It’s anything but simple. Esp when I’ve gotten so used to floating through life, never really owning it. Through the years, I wonder. When will the suspense be over. The truth is, it won’t. And that’s okay.

In this torturous process, I caught a glimpse of a fragment of the answer to my question – what is the meaning of life.

Meaning of life can only be defined singularly by you and you alone. SURPRISE!!.. I know. I know. Please….before you start viciously rolling your eyes at my ‘oh-so-eye-opening discovery’, hear me out. We all know just how easy it is to get sidetracked by the imagined whisper of other lost souls; the voice in the back of your head persisting it always knows best; and the pressure we put on ourselves to rise above the crowd. It’s like we are alone right in the middle of a raging war. They started to define me and the worst part was I let them. So, after some motivational YouTube vdos binging, text ranting and vdo skyping with dear old friends, I know I’m not alone. We are swimming through similar shit just different kinds. (Ewww lol) Don’t worry. You’re doing all right.

To conclude this long-as essay, (which I find difficult to sum up….) life is yours. What you choose to fill those time with defines you. Choose wisely. There’s no righter path to how you live it. The world is a playground. Some people are up on the swing having the fly-as time of their life. Some, like me, are just wandering quietly, picking flowers, admiring the sky, and occasionally stepping on the slide for a quick thrill. “You do you” will be my mantra from now (or at least when I’m conscious of my emotion haha). Master the art of living inside yourself, depend less on the external forces. Lastly, learn to embrace change and allow growth. Break free from the invisible cage you called “you”. And that my dear is my definition of life.

 

.m.

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